Resolutions

There are so many things I want to resolve to do. But I don't want to make a resolution that I will just justify breaking with in a week. Part of me wants to pick just ONE thing and focus on it. Part of me has already made excuses that there is no one thing that will work w/o doing the others as well.

If you could only hear the conversations i have with myself, you might just have me committed.

Exercise, no coke(the drink), eat better as a family, do more projects with the kids, spend less time on the computer, go for walks x time a week or even daily, cook more, get a real routine going, drink more water, Clean more, get and stay organized, save money, spend less, the list could go on. Get out of the house more should be added.

How can I pick just one, they are all important to the betterment of not just me but my family.

I know I should have made this decision before now, but just like everything else I procrastinated it.

I could do something like stick with a set routine, that includes one on one time with both kids together and induvudulaly, go for a walk everyother day, 1 coke a week, and save money. That is a good "easy" mixture..right?

Birth Month Personality Meme

Yay!!! I was tagged by Tee.

The guidelines for this meme:

1. Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
2. Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months (see below).
3. Pick your month of birth (see below).
4. Highlight the traits that apply to you.
5. Tag 12 people and let them know by visiting their blogs and leaving a comment for them.
6. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve done it!

I tag:

Leeriac
Monkey Overlord
Our Gang Of Girls

I don't Know 12 bloggers so 3 will have to be enough

I was born in November, the bolded ones are ones I feel fit me:)

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.




THE MONTHLY FLAVORS, WHICH ARE YOU?

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

Unconscious Mutterings Too

1. Master :Trainer:


2. Tour :De France:


3. Input :Output:


4. Downtown :Girl:


5. Pricey :Renovations:


6. Acceptable :Behavior:


7. Terrace :Flowers:


8. Sunday :Off:


9. Payoff :Money:


10. Jack and Jill :Went up the Hill:

See previous post for link to get your own Unconscious Mutterings

Oh Christmas Tree

I know you non-exsitent avid readers have missed me:P

I am sorry I have been lacking..in time (management), inspiration, coherent thought, and over laoded in stress, worry, and too many thoughts.

But Today I saw this widget thingie. I thought it would be fun to share.

You Are a Traditional Christmas Tree

For a good Christmas, you don't have to re-invent the wheel.You already have traditions, foods, and special things you bring out every year.

http://www.blogthings.com/whatchristmastreeareyouquiz/">What Christmas Tree Are You?

SuperMOM

This is not the way I ever saw it.

When I was a child I imagined myself as a mom, as a grown up, I imagined my wedding, my children, my job. Even as a young adult I imagined these things. I saw a force to be reckoned with, but I saw nothing like my mother.

I saw wonderful outfits, and clean organized houses, I saw outings, and teaching, laughter, conversations. I saw delicious timely meals. I saw fabulous, surprising, romantic proposals and anniversaries, and honeymoons. I saw a healthy, happy, cute pregnancy and a completely natural child birth. I saw friends and family full of children the same age as mine, and gatherings and BBQ. I saw pets galore and backyards with plenty of space.

Needless to say it has turned out nothing as I planned and dreamed. But I never dreamed of the depths of true love, I never imagined how easy sacrifice can be. So as each dream, went by and I barely flinched at the difference of reality from dreams.

Except the dream of being SuperMOM, that is the hardest one to let go of. That's the one I struggle with. I allow it to drag me down to depression and despair. Everyone tells me I am a good mom, that I do the best I can.

There is this voice though, that says BS! I know I can't ever be SuperMOM, I know that always being spectacular, clean, organized, endlessly creative, on time, and a fabulous cook is impossible. But I know that if I just push a little harder, that if a drag myself out of this funk, I could be a better mom, a better wife, a better human.

After 3 plus years I haven't managed much consistent improvement. I don't know how much is truth and how much is still dreaming of SuperMOM. I don't know which faults to just accept or change.

Right now I have no drive, no energy, no driving desire. Just self pity, pain, and magical wishes.
With the light at the end of the tunnel becoming farther and farther away. It likes to come just with in reach and tease me with hope, then fly away cackling.

Even my blog is full of sorrow, complaints and self pity. Not at all what I originally planned.

So even though my teeth hurt, my sinuses and allergies are driving me nuts, my job keeps coming and going, we need so many thing and have no money. Even though I want to sleep all alone for days, with only books and blankets for company. I am gonna push through once again.

I am even baking bread today and well that is a start for today :)

What a Mom says

OK I found this on one of the mommy forums I am on. I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face and my 3 year old came up and gave me a hug.
Please enjoy, and maybe have some kleenexes at hand as well.

What A Mom Says.

10 Literary Characters I would Make Out With

I wasn't truely tagged with this Meme, that I read on Spilt Milk but I thought it was cool, so I am doing it anyways.
"Ten Literary Characters I Would Totally Make Out With If I Were Single and They Were Real But I’m Not, Single I Mean, I Am Real, But I’m Also Happily Married and Want to Stay That Way So Maybe We Should Forget This..."
1. Lestat - From the Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice, not the Tom Cruise one the true literary one.

2. Rhett Butler - Really who wouldn't?

3. Sirius Black - I was so distraught when he died I hoped and Prayed he would come back. I wanna cry now too :(

4. Tarquin "Quinn" Blackwood - From Blackwood Farm and Blood Canticle also By Anne Rice. Yes I have always had a thing for Vampires It started with the Count on Sesame Street I think.

5. Aragorn - From the Lord of the Rings series

6. Edmond Dantes - I loved all of Alexander Dumas work but I think he stuck with me the most.

7. Michael Curry - From The Mayfair Witches Series by Guess Who? Anne Rice at least he isn't a vampire...Just an Irish Witch

8. Roux - From Chocolat I loved the movie and then Adored the book.

9. Edward Cullen - Another Vampire in a Trilogy by Stephanie Meyer

10. Jean-Claude - From Lauren K Hamilton in her Anite Blake Books, any takers want to guess what he is? I am starting to think I need help.

and I can only really Tag 1 person for this So have fun Leeriac.

Ramblings of Life

Things I want to blog about:
My boys
cooking
holidays
money
going back to work
new car
time management
house cleaning/organization
WoW
My "Faith"
My brain
Our trip to the Zoo Parking Lot and Aidan going shopping for him self
My poor poor carpet
No Friends

that is just what i can remember

I have a Bad tooth ache, I was told about 18 months ago I needed multiple root canals, but I was going to cost lots of money we didn't have, I was prego and very sick. So it got put off. Then hubby got new insurance an great fully paid free insurance but by the time we actually got the cards because there was some kinda issue with verifies us as his dependents, Hubby decided he couldn't work the 2 jobs anymore and quit.
He was working 2:45 am to 6:45 am at UPS and then 7am to 5pm at his full time job, It was a very hard schedule on all of us. But we thought he would get promoted to a driver and then he could quit the full time job and and be full time at UPS, but it wasn't happening and there was no end in sight. And he was so tired and gettign sick all the time, when he use to never get sick.
I know we could have gone to the dentists and eye Dr and had the insurance billed w/o cards, or some how paid them with our non existent money and the insurance would be reimbursed after it got all situated, but I didn't know or predict that hubby was gonna up and quit so I thought that waiting another month would be OK.
Well I was wrong and we got the insurance cards in the mail the last day hubby worked at UPS. So now we switched to his full time jobs, Insurance and it is better than most but still has a deductible and we don't have that money and we would still have to pay a percent after that, I just I am not sure what.
With the deductible for the health and the deductible for the dental, and we need to use both soon because Aidan will start going to Phsycologists to see why he isn't talking soon. I know we have better coverage than alot of people, and that it cold be worse. But I am constantly on Tylenol and ibuprofen to keep the pain at bay. And i Know what can happen if the infections in your teeth aren't treated and I am scared and stressed.
So besides needing a new car cause hubby's is dieing and because we just don't fit in out lil cars very well. I have to go back to work PT and hubby has to work nights, but then if I start work then I can't immediately take off to get dental work done, and Christmas is coming and did we have 3 nieces we have never met, and we haven't seen my husbands family since Oct 2004?
If I get my old job back PT then the insurance is better I think, and we can afford a car payment, and there won't be stress to eat and pay rent and all bills each month.
OK I really wanted this to be a happier blog, I REALLY got off track.
If my tooth can just hold off for about 2 months and if I can just get my old job back, then everything should be OK, and there is so much good that can come from all this.
OK this touched on a few things I wanted to blog about. After I get the boys settled I will try for a different topic.
So I am actually in a good mood, I went for a walk in the over cast day with the boys, my ten months old is biting my knee cap and it hurts like ..well you know, but his face is so cute when he looks up at me I don't really care, plus his teething hurts worse than my knee and Aidan is dressed in pants and really well dressed at all and looks too cute and too old. All these things as well as that hubby gets off early today are just good and make all the else worth it. :)

Unconscious Mutterings..and more

Instead of telling you the Gorey details of Poop and Raw eggs in my carpet. I decided to try this out, I found the link on different blog http://familycircus.wordpress.com/2007/09/08/muttering-again/

1. Singles :: Cheese Slices
   
2. Blaze :: Fire
   
3. Sandwich :: Grilled Cheese
   
4. Outside :: Hot
   
5. Gooey :: Chocolate
   
6. Industry :: financial
   
7. Exclusive :: special
   
8. Warranty :: Car
   
9. Magical :: Harry potter
   
10. Heels :: Ouch :(
    
    
    To do you own Unconscious Mutterings go to http://subliminal.lunanina.com

My Day

So, I force myself out of bed so I can say bye to hubby, make sure he has his lunch and find he did not brew coffee. Then the baby wakes up early so no alone/quiet time for mommy. Then the 3 year old wakes up early as well. We share an oh so healthy breakfast of eggos, then they watch PBS while I read email, check bank account, read blog, forums, ect.

Then I start thinking about how I haven't seen my oldest cat, and that the last time i recall seeing her was when she snuck out last night when hubby came home. I go out looking for her but to no avail.

Well when I was outside looking for the cat, I noticed how cool and i mean actually a slight chill in the air cool it was outside. I force myself to get dressed and dress the boys and we get outside and loaded into the stroller to go for a walk to the park.

By the time all this is accomplished the chill in the air is gone, but it still isn't too warm either. We walk around the block the long way to the park, and i get settled and set Aidan free to play. Evan watches from his stroller. I sit for a bit then go a slide a bit with Aidan, we get Evan out and he slides a bit with us.

Then Aidan runs off, kicking off his shoes across the grassy area to the volley ball sand pit. I call him back but nothing, I settle Evan back into his stroller, and walk towards Aidan across the grass area still calling him back, threatening that we are now leaving the park because he can't listen. As I am standing in the middle of this big grassy area shouting threats at a 3 year old, the sprinklers come on.

Not only is this bad cause i am getting wet, but because water is Aidan's favorite toy. So I run, grab him, and drag him kicking a screaming, trying to get free to run to the sprinklers, around the edge of the park back down the path to Evan who is safely out of the sprinklers. Get him basically tied into the stroller so we can make our way back home.

As we park the stroller safely into the garage, who should come running up yelling at us like we forced her outside, but Nova the missing cat. I get her in the house and then unload the kids from the stroller, and send Aidan inside. Well he goes inside but holds the door open for the cat, who obviously had not learned her lesson, to come back out side. I yell at her to go back in but she refuses, and i get Evan inside and go after her, and she actually hisses and growls at me. Ungrateful cat, i should make her stay out in the sun.

Safely home all is good now right?

No I stab my toe nail on a picture edge and he bleed everywhere on myself, thankfully not on the carpet though.

I hung pictures I was waiting for my sister to help me hang, and it just doesn't look right. :(

The children proceed to be grumpy, cranky, demanding even though they don't even know what they want. Mean to the cat, mean to each other, mean to me. Ok really only the Aidan is mean to his brother and the cat, and Evan just has a flapping his and hands hitting you/pulling hair problem.

Food is everywhere, the snacks and lunches that were begged and cried for mostly uneaten, toys every where, 3 year old in the play pen while the baby stands on the outside looking at him, (is there something wrong there), I could go on.

I finally get them both down for a nap at the same time, amazing, I even get a shower in, a quick incomplete shower cause i was afraid Evan would wake up any second, but still a shower..alone.. and now I am sharing with you and wandering what the next half of the day will be, now that they both have woke up.

I still need to do things I was not able to or was unwilling to even try to accomplish this morning. I need to make dinner. I need to decided about what kind of part time job i can get and just go find it. and I need to quit rambling to you. But I do feel I am wits end with Aidan.

Oh did I mention that last night he freaks us out by making a big loud noise in the kitchen and we go find out that there in the middle of the floor is a landscaping light, that had at one time been staked somewhere into our yard. I am almost positive he was never outside w/o me and never in the back yard, so he have no clue how he managed this. (don't worry the lights were not working and wires cut on them long before we lived here)...we are a bit scared now.


***Updated***
I figured out what has Nova all in a tizzy, she must have got into a cat fight, becaue she has a slash accross her lip. Looks very clean and I didn' see any other injuries, but she really didn't let me look to close either. I feel so bad about forgetting about her last night.

Spiders, Webs, and Did I say Spiders, Oh My!!!

OK Today is Sept 23rd. The high today was 91. That is wonderful, and cool , and we can go outside again.

But since it has been horribly hot all summer, even worse than normal here in AZ. Our backyard has gone to the wayside. Dirt, rocks, leaves, spider webs, weeds, and did i mention spider webs. They are everywhere.
I am terrified of spiders. I do not have very many fears, just a few very irrational ones. Like spiders out to get me, the garbage disposal eating my hand, and slipping in the shower and the door being locked and no one being able to find and save me.

So we go out side to start cleaning up the back yard, and there are these spiders webs everywhere and my chest is constricting and I can't breathe right and I am trying to over come this and help in the back yard. Because now that it is cool (lol cool) outside my kids can go out there and play and run. But before they can do that, the yard needs to be clean of spiders so mommy can join them, and she isn't freaking out every other min that she or her kids will be attacked by these creatures.

I last about 10 min max, I just can't take it. Even armed with the hose I am terrified and useless. So I go inside and prepare dinner for the crock pot, and leave hubby and the kids to tackle the yard. But soon it got too warm and they came inside, so there is still alot of progress to make before we can enjoy our patio :(

Where do these fears come from? I have never been bite, attacked or anything by spiders. I don't even recall being afraid of them as a child, this came upon me as a teenager.

I have my moments of strength that I can overcome my fear and remove the spider (yes dead) from my house. My respect for life stops with spiders, I just can't help it.

Anyone else out there suffer from a completely irrational fear like me?

Glutton for Punishment? and a dork to boot:)

I have been wanting to blog for a couple days now but never had a good topic. Now I can go on about 2 topics, and I think I will. Then I need to clean house, literally.

So i have joined some mom forums with people in my area and with just people that have things in common. I am seeing alot of people with babies the same age as Evan that are pregnant again.

Keep in mind that both of my pregnancies we NO FUN. I was so sick they put me on bed rest with a iv /PIC line for 3-4 month each time. My 1st child was 9 lbs 10 oz ( I am not a big person, 5 foot 2, 125 weight before 1st child) So I had horrid back pain, and once labor started, even the epidural could keep away all the pain in my back, then after 36 hours of labor the DR said he is too big we need to do a c-section. (my mother can tell this story better than I Can, I think I have blocked it out).

2nd baby still as sick not as big though so back pain wasn't bad at all, and scheduled c-section was actually wonderful experience. Recovery sucked but the surgery it self, I actually enjoyed most of.

But given all this, the lost work/pay, the medical bills, the stress on hubby and family to take care of me as well as my child, the fear, the pain ect. I swore off more children, Hubby got fixed 2 was enough. Right, any sane person would make the same choice.

Well now I am getting jealous of all these pregnant women, I for some reason am sad that I won't have another pregnancy or another baby inside me, that I won't breast feed again. Even though all of these things are things you moan and groan about when you are doing it.
I am sad. Stupidly Sad.

What is wrong with me, I must be a glutton for punishment, not to mention that I can barely handle both of my children some days, and ask for help on grocery shopping days cause shopping with them is at times impossible.

But I do still yearn for another.



OK my other topic:

Have you ever got the urge to cut your hair a lil your self, and then couldn't stop. Some how you convince your self that you are just as capable as the professionals and just cant put the scissors down, you keep going back and fixing this or that for days?

I need the scissors to be hidden, taken away I haven't ruined my hair yet but I know I may soon. (Even though my new bangs I gave my self as far from straight)

I wish I had the foresight to take a before picture, but I will see what i have in stock to show you.

OK I found and took some pics to see what you think. I am suck I dork I know.

2 before and 2 after.

Before:

After:

A lil Laugh

I have been meaning to post this for a few days but haven't quite got around to it till today.

It early morning, I was in the kitchen with my sons. My oldest son was looking up at what I assumed were the cereal boxes on the top of the fridge. In anticipation for breakfast. So i grabbed a box but he stare didn't waiver. I go for a different box but nothing. So I take a step back and what do I see?

Nova, my lil baby girl. Just staring down at us. :)

Now it has taken me a few days to figure out exactly how she gets there.

Counter, Shelf if a cabinet is open then fridge then up to the lil knick Knack or wasted space up top.

I just thought I might try and share a smile...and if that didn't work. How about this?

I walked into this the other day as well.

To all my Ex's

Dear Ex's,
and you know who you are. Thank you.

Yes that is what I said, Thank you.

Thank you for the fights, the heart break, the good times and especially the bad. Thank you for judging me and controlling me. Thank you for the lies and the belittling. Thank you for all the pedestals I fell from as well. You have given me a precious gift.

You gave the the gift of being ready for the one.
My soul mate.
Thank You for my husband.
My husband who is an absolutely wonderful man for me. That is the key now isn't it, "for me". I am not saying that you aren't wonderful, oh dear ex boyfriends. I am sure you are, for someone, one day.

I can't honestly say I would have picked him out of a line up as the man I would marry and be happily ever after with, and I know I would have never given him any type of chance before I met any of you. And that would have been a shame.

He is very quirky, even tempered, off the wall, understanding, supportive, patient. There are still moments, or even days I have no idea what he is talking about. But I learned that it doesn't matter as long as I listened. We don't have a highly passionate love, no roller coaster rides here, but I learned that there is true love in being contented.

He has been there as I grew out of the shell or shroud as some people have called it, that I had grew into as a defense mechanism from my previous relationships, ie. you guys. Thank you for those failed relationships because all the pain and suffering taught me what love really is and what is really worth cherishing. Those previous heart breaks made me into the person I am, a person who knows just how wonderful my husband is, and doesn't always over look the small things he does that nourishes our love as well as me.

Thank you for the man who helped me find and even love me.

He puts up with quirks I never knew I had, he allows me to make mistakes with out judgement or even really criticism, he offers more congratulations you over came that well and look what you learned or sometimes he just offers a "Of course" because he knew all along how it would turn out, but he also knew I wouldn't have listened, that I have to learn on my own.

He allows my flaws, again without judging or criticism, Even allows me acknowledgment of and refusal tot change some of them.

Thank you for the man who loves me for me, not what he wants me to be.

He is more full of love than any person I have ever known. He has the hugest heart. Which I some times call over sensitive but I do truly admire.

Now I still moan and groan as any wife does, and he does have his faults. Faults that maybe you guys didn't have, but they are more than a fair price to pay for all the rest.

So again I say thank you. Thank you for the road I followed to my other half. Thank you for all the bits of me you added or changed, to make me the woman I was when I was found by him.

Sincerely yours, Iva Rose

Not sure if I ever got to my point

OK, I play an online computer game called World of Warcraft (WoW ). I play way too much. I can't even tell you how much because I refuse to add it up and see, but it is bad, like as much as a full time job...maybe. Off and on all day.

It is an escape it is anger management, it is the only way I talk to other adults and moms as well, but I still need to cut back, interact more with my kids, teach them more, cook more, clean more. I have made improvements, but in a way that just shows how sad it really all was.

I am borderline depressed and I think as much as WoW entertains me, and it is one of the only fun things Ican do with my hubby, (therefore keeps me out of full depression) it also keeps me from moving farther away from the borderline of depression.

I am not saying that people who play wow are bad parents or depressed I am just saying I need to find a more healthy balance for me and my family. I love having an affordable way to do something with my husband we both enjoy and can be at home with the kids.

It is soo freaking hot this summer I do not even open the door unless necessary. We live out of town and gas is so expensive that we don't do anywhere. I feel bad we have to run around in the house to get exercise. Aidan is too rambunctious to take to the pool alone with him and his brother, if we had access to one that is.

So we stay in side and try to to projects but usually just play toys and watch tv/movies. Flashcards on good days as well. I can not wait for it to cool down, in about 1 month it should start to get more tolerable.

Maybe we can even use our zoo membership that we have had for 4 months and only used 2 times. We can go to the new park in out lil town. Go for morning walks.

I know that there are other things we can do inside and I have tried a couple but he gets frustrated easy and so do I, and I rarely try past a 2nd time. These are excuses and only that, and I should try, try, try again. Now that I have admitted this to complete strangers maybe I will.

But if anyone out there has ideas, advice, or even sympathizes, any feed back is good feed back to me. (Evan though I know I may regret saying that)

A New Day..?

I started today with a good attitude. I was gonna make changes. I had a new home page with awesome features from Google, I had motivation, in multiple forms. It started off pretty good, Drank water, good job, made coffee, good job, fed kids, put away clean dishes, exercised/stretched a Lil, realized i was very very outta shape, which just made me glad I was off to this new start, good job. Worked on dishes fed kids more, cleaned kitchen table, started a craft project with a 3yr old. Good idea, hmm not so sure. we fought half the time, I did most of it by myself and he has already taken some of it apart. OK Nice try we made progress, we will try again later. Fed kids again, put big one down for nap. Played WoW for a bit, took a shower with baby. (not so fun but necessary) Fed self and baby. Good Job i even ate healthy and didn't gorge myself with food and ignored my sugar cravings. Baby wont stop crying I am trying to sweep the floor that needs it terribly. crying crying crying. woke up 3 year old, 3 yr old is now crying....make snack for 3 year old, bottle for baby, still crying and or just grumpiness. Ok, where in the world are my parents who said they would be here after 2? Ok the down hill has begun and I am slipping and grasping to hold on to the happy new start day. Best friend calls gives me a pick me up and some how I manage to find the missing remote control, Yay! we now can watch Curious George. Living room clean, all ready for parents, bath room decent, baby happy all of a sudden, but I feel a bit crazed, I need a massage. It is only 4:23 pm Hubby isn't even off let alone home till 6pm. I need just a lil affirmation that I can continue this new day tomorrow. I shouldn't, I should just know that I can, but indulge me please. I know this doesn't sound all that bad, but I was barely keeping myself above water before today. OK seriously where are my parents at?

Getting Started

It is late and I should go to bed, but I want to get started on my blogging adventure because I am afraid that I won't ever if I don't just do it. I was inspired by a blog I found http://spiltmilkblog.blogspot.com I don't know how to do that link thing yet. I was searching for How to clean dried spilt milk from a papasan chair and i ended up there. I still haven't figured out how to clean my chair.
I am blogging, as a kind of journal for myself. But I think the feed back if any from a blog will help. So please forgive my ignorance, spelling, grammar, mundanes, etc. I need a release, a creative path, for my health and happiness and for my family. A happy mom equals a happy home, and well I am not really all that happy. Evan though I have every reason to be. A wonderful supportive, understanding Patience and and 2 smart, adorable Lil boys. A beautiful if not annoying but loving when she wants to be cat. and Great rented house.

So I know this isn't long, but I am tired and side tracked, more about me later, I promise myself and now you.