SuperMOM

This is not the way I ever saw it.

When I was a child I imagined myself as a mom, as a grown up, I imagined my wedding, my children, my job. Even as a young adult I imagined these things. I saw a force to be reckoned with, but I saw nothing like my mother.

I saw wonderful outfits, and clean organized houses, I saw outings, and teaching, laughter, conversations. I saw delicious timely meals. I saw fabulous, surprising, romantic proposals and anniversaries, and honeymoons. I saw a healthy, happy, cute pregnancy and a completely natural child birth. I saw friends and family full of children the same age as mine, and gatherings and BBQ. I saw pets galore and backyards with plenty of space.

Needless to say it has turned out nothing as I planned and dreamed. But I never dreamed of the depths of true love, I never imagined how easy sacrifice can be. So as each dream, went by and I barely flinched at the difference of reality from dreams.

Except the dream of being SuperMOM, that is the hardest one to let go of. That's the one I struggle with. I allow it to drag me down to depression and despair. Everyone tells me I am a good mom, that I do the best I can.

There is this voice though, that says BS! I know I can't ever be SuperMOM, I know that always being spectacular, clean, organized, endlessly creative, on time, and a fabulous cook is impossible. But I know that if I just push a little harder, that if a drag myself out of this funk, I could be a better mom, a better wife, a better human.

After 3 plus years I haven't managed much consistent improvement. I don't know how much is truth and how much is still dreaming of SuperMOM. I don't know which faults to just accept or change.

Right now I have no drive, no energy, no driving desire. Just self pity, pain, and magical wishes.
With the light at the end of the tunnel becoming farther and farther away. It likes to come just with in reach and tease me with hope, then fly away cackling.

Even my blog is full of sorrow, complaints and self pity. Not at all what I originally planned.

So even though my teeth hurt, my sinuses and allergies are driving me nuts, my job keeps coming and going, we need so many thing and have no money. Even though I want to sleep all alone for days, with only books and blankets for company. I am gonna push through once again.

I am even baking bread today and well that is a start for today :)

What a Mom says

OK I found this on one of the mommy forums I am on. I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face and my 3 year old came up and gave me a hug.
Please enjoy, and maybe have some kleenexes at hand as well.

What A Mom Says.

10 Literary Characters I would Make Out With

I wasn't truely tagged with this Meme, that I read on Spilt Milk but I thought it was cool, so I am doing it anyways.
"Ten Literary Characters I Would Totally Make Out With If I Were Single and They Were Real But I’m Not, Single I Mean, I Am Real, But I’m Also Happily Married and Want to Stay That Way So Maybe We Should Forget This..."
1. Lestat - From the Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice, not the Tom Cruise one the true literary one.

2. Rhett Butler - Really who wouldn't?

3. Sirius Black - I was so distraught when he died I hoped and Prayed he would come back. I wanna cry now too :(

4. Tarquin "Quinn" Blackwood - From Blackwood Farm and Blood Canticle also By Anne Rice. Yes I have always had a thing for Vampires It started with the Count on Sesame Street I think.

5. Aragorn - From the Lord of the Rings series

6. Edmond Dantes - I loved all of Alexander Dumas work but I think he stuck with me the most.

7. Michael Curry - From The Mayfair Witches Series by Guess Who? Anne Rice at least he isn't a vampire...Just an Irish Witch

8. Roux - From Chocolat I loved the movie and then Adored the book.

9. Edward Cullen - Another Vampire in a Trilogy by Stephanie Meyer

10. Jean-Claude - From Lauren K Hamilton in her Anite Blake Books, any takers want to guess what he is? I am starting to think I need help.

and I can only really Tag 1 person for this So have fun Leeriac.

Ramblings of Life

Things I want to blog about:
My boys
cooking
holidays
money
going back to work
new car
time management
house cleaning/organization
WoW
My "Faith"
My brain
Our trip to the Zoo Parking Lot and Aidan going shopping for him self
My poor poor carpet
No Friends

that is just what i can remember

I have a Bad tooth ache, I was told about 18 months ago I needed multiple root canals, but I was going to cost lots of money we didn't have, I was prego and very sick. So it got put off. Then hubby got new insurance an great fully paid free insurance but by the time we actually got the cards because there was some kinda issue with verifies us as his dependents, Hubby decided he couldn't work the 2 jobs anymore and quit.
He was working 2:45 am to 6:45 am at UPS and then 7am to 5pm at his full time job, It was a very hard schedule on all of us. But we thought he would get promoted to a driver and then he could quit the full time job and and be full time at UPS, but it wasn't happening and there was no end in sight. And he was so tired and gettign sick all the time, when he use to never get sick.
I know we could have gone to the dentists and eye Dr and had the insurance billed w/o cards, or some how paid them with our non existent money and the insurance would be reimbursed after it got all situated, but I didn't know or predict that hubby was gonna up and quit so I thought that waiting another month would be OK.
Well I was wrong and we got the insurance cards in the mail the last day hubby worked at UPS. So now we switched to his full time jobs, Insurance and it is better than most but still has a deductible and we don't have that money and we would still have to pay a percent after that, I just I am not sure what.
With the deductible for the health and the deductible for the dental, and we need to use both soon because Aidan will start going to Phsycologists to see why he isn't talking soon. I know we have better coverage than alot of people, and that it cold be worse. But I am constantly on Tylenol and ibuprofen to keep the pain at bay. And i Know what can happen if the infections in your teeth aren't treated and I am scared and stressed.
So besides needing a new car cause hubby's is dieing and because we just don't fit in out lil cars very well. I have to go back to work PT and hubby has to work nights, but then if I start work then I can't immediately take off to get dental work done, and Christmas is coming and did we have 3 nieces we have never met, and we haven't seen my husbands family since Oct 2004?
If I get my old job back PT then the insurance is better I think, and we can afford a car payment, and there won't be stress to eat and pay rent and all bills each month.
OK I really wanted this to be a happier blog, I REALLY got off track.
If my tooth can just hold off for about 2 months and if I can just get my old job back, then everything should be OK, and there is so much good that can come from all this.
OK this touched on a few things I wanted to blog about. After I get the boys settled I will try for a different topic.
So I am actually in a good mood, I went for a walk in the over cast day with the boys, my ten months old is biting my knee cap and it hurts like ..well you know, but his face is so cute when he looks up at me I don't really care, plus his teething hurts worse than my knee and Aidan is dressed in pants and really well dressed at all and looks too cute and too old. All these things as well as that hubby gets off early today are just good and make all the else worth it. :)